By Dr. Martin Keller, Diplomate in Clinical Psychology
As a clinical psychologist with more than 30 years of experience, I’ve heard this painful phrase countless times: “Parenting my ADHD child is killing me.” It’s often spoken with tears in the eyes, a cracking voice, and shoulders slumped from sheer emotional exhaustion.
If you’ve ever felt this way, please know you are not alone.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. The daily challenges of raising a child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can leave even the most loving parents feeling depleted and desperate.
Why Parenting ADHD Can Feel Like Too Much
Several times each year, parents consult with me about their struggles raising a child with ADHD. The phrase “I feel like I’m dying from the pressure” emerges frequently during these sessions.
Parents describe endless battles over homework, frequent calls from school administrators about playground conflicts, daily tantrums over routine chores, and the seemingly impossible task of getting their child ready for school on time.
Perhaps most heartbreaking is witnessing your child’s distress when they cry, “I’m trying my best!” Their faces reflecting sadness and helplessness that cuts straight to your heart as a parent.
Common Parenting Challenges with ADHD Children
| Parenting Challenge | Frequency in Clinical Practice | Typical Impact on Family |
|---|---|---|
| Morning routine conflicts | Very Common | Increased family tension, frequent tardiness |
| Homework struggles | Very Common | Extended homework time, reduced family activities |
| Bedtime resistance | Common | Parental sleep deprivation, child fatigue |
| School behavior issues | Common | Disruptions to workday, strained school relationships |
| Sibling conflicts | Common | Reduced attention for siblings, family tension |
| Medication management | Moderately Common | Added financial burden, monitoring side effects |
This overview highlights that your struggles are not unique but part of a shared experience among parents of children with ADHD. Understanding the prevalence of these challenges can reduce feelings of isolation and inadequacy.
Here is the same table information recreated for easier reading:
Common Parenting Challenges
- Medication management – Monitoring side effects, financial pressure
- Morning routine conflicts – Frequent tardiness, increased tension
- Homework struggles – Drains family time, increases conflict
- Bedtime resistance – Sleep loss for parent and child
- School behavior issues – Stressful calls from school, work interruptions
- Sibling conflicts – Sibling resentment, emotional overload
Grieving the Child You Imagined—and Embracing the One You Have
Most parents now understand that ADHD is a neurological condition affecting the brain. However, understanding this fact intellectually doesn’t eliminate the emotional struggles.
Grief doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’ve loved deeply.
Dr. Martin Keller
Parents naturally hope for the day when their child will focus better, reduce impulsive behaviors, and develop stronger organizational skills. Even with appropriate medication, therapy, and educational support, the persistent symptoms of ADHD often remain present and challenging.
When parents tell me they feel like they’re “dying” from the stress or that “parenting feels impossible,” they’re expressing deep emotions connected to grief and loss.
ADHD Prevalence and Impact Facts
- According to the CDC, approximately 9.4% of children (about 6.1 million) in the United States have been diagnosed with ADHD
- Boys are diagnosed with ADHD at a higher rate than girls
- The majority of children with ADHD continue to experience symptoms into adolescence
- Parents of children with ADHD consistently report higher levels of parenting stress
- Many parents of children with ADHD experience symptoms of depression or anxiety related to caregiving challenges
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), “Data and Statistics About ADHD” cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html
These facts reinforce that ADHD is a common neurodevelopmental condition affecting millions of families. The parenting challenges you face are grounded in neurological differences, not parenting failures.
Grieving the “Perfect Child” Fantasy
Learning that your child has a neurological difference creates profound sadness for many parents. This requires grieving the dream of raising an “ideal” child without challenges.
This grief process often triggers memories of previous losses you’ve experienced. Deaths, failed relationships, career setbacks, health challenges, or self-esteem wounds can all resurface when confronting your child’s disability.
These feelings aren’t a sign of poor parenting or lack of love. They represent a normal human response to having your expectations challenged and needing to adapt.
The Stages of Accepting Your Child’s ADHD
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described the “DABDA” stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. While research shows these stages don’t apply universally to all grief experiences, this framework can help parents understand their emotional journey.
Moving Through Denial
Initially, many parents resist the ADHD diagnosis, thinking, “My child will outgrow this” or “They just need more discipline.” Understanding that ADHD is a neurological condition, not a behavioral choice or parenting failure, marks the beginning of healing.
Processing Anger and Frustration
Anger emerges as parents confront the daily challenges: “Why won’t my child just listen?” or “Why does everything have to be so difficult?” This anger often masks deeper feelings of fear and helplessness.
The Bargaining Phase
During bargaining, parents might think, “If I just find the right therapy/medication/school/diet, everything will be fixed.” While appropriate interventions help, expecting a complete “cure” creates unrealistic expectations.
Depression and Overwhelm
Depression can settle in as parents realize the long-term nature of ADHD. Statements like “I can’t do this anymore” or “I’m failing as a parent” reflect this difficult stage.
Finding Acceptance and Hope
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. It means embracing your child exactly as they are while still supporting their growth. Parents in this stage recognize both challenges and strengths in their child with ADHD.
Practical Strategies for Supporting Your Child and Yourself
In my therapy practice, I routinely address grief issues with parents of children with ADHD. Most parents eagerly explore how the grieving process relates to accepting their child’s neurological differences.
Effectiveness of Common ADHD Interventions
| Intervention Type | Effectiveness Rating | Benefits | Considerations |
| Medication Management | High | Improves focus, reduces impulsivity | Requires monitoring, may have side effects |
| Behavioral Therapy | Moderate to High | Develops lasting skills, improves relationships | Requires consistency, takes time to see results |
| Parent Training | Moderate to High | Improves family dynamics, reduces conflict | Parents must consistently implement strategies |
| School Accommodations | Moderate | Improves academic performance, reduces school stress | Quality varies by school district |
| Exercise Programs | Moderate | Improves focus, sleep, and mood | Most effective when done regularly |
| Dietary Changes | Low to Moderate | May help subset of children | Results vary significantly by individual |
Source: American Academy of Pediatrics, “Clinical Practice Guideline for the Diagnosis, Evaluation, and Treatment of ADHD” publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/144/4/e20192528/81590/Clinical-Practice-Guideline-for-the-Diagnosis
Establishing Consistent Routines
Children with ADHD thrive with predictable schedules. Creating visual charts for morning routines, homework time, and bedtime helps reduce conflicts and builds independence.
Celebrating Strengths and Small Victories
Many children with ADHD possess extraordinary creativity, empathy, problem-solving abilities, or artistic talents. Noticing and celebrating these strengths builds their confidence and reminds you of their wholeness beyond the diagnosis.
Common Strengths Associated with ADHD
- Creativity and Originality: Many children with ADHD think outside conventional boundaries
- Hyperfocus: Ability to concentrate intensely on topics of interest
- Energy and Enthusiasm: High levels of passion and excitement
- Resilience: Developing perseverance through facing challenges
- Intuitive Problem-Solving: Novel approaches to obstacles
- Empathy: Often strong sensitivity to others’ emotions
- Spontaneity: Adaptability and openness to new experiences
Based on ADHD expert Dr. Edward Hallowell’s work and CHADD resources: chadd.org/about-adhd/strengths-of-adhd
Implementing Effective Behavior Management
Clear expectations, immediate feedback, and consistent consequences help children with ADHD develop self-regulation. Focus more on rewarding positive behaviors than punishing mistakes.
Supporting Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Children with ADHD often receive excessive negative feedback throughout their day. Make sure your child hears specific praise about their character, efforts, and accomplishments regularly.
You Deserve Support, Too: Help for the Parent Behind the Child
Parenting a child with ADHD can feel isolating. Many parents hide their struggles, fearing judgment from those who don’t understand the unique challenges involved.
Connecting with Other Parents
Support groups (online or in-person) connect you with others facing similar challenges. Sharing experiences and strategies reduces isolation and provides practical solutions.
Working with Mental Health Professionals
Family therapy helps address the impact of ADHD on the entire family system. Individual therapy offers a safe space to process your feelings and develop coping strategies.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Recognize that perfect parenting doesn’t exist—for any parent. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, learn, and grow alongside your child.
Looking Toward a Hopeful Future
In his book “Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death,” psychiatrist Irvin Yalom challenges the idea that looking directly at difficult truths is harmful. Instead, he suggests that facing our grief and fears can ultimately free us.
Parents must courageously examine their complex feelings about their child’s ADHD. By acknowledging grief, anger, and disappointment, we ultimately make room for joy, acceptance, and deeper connection.
Transforming Challenge into Growth
The parents who navigate this journey most successfully are those who eventually recognize that their child’s ADHD isn’t a tragedy but simply a different way of experiencing the world.
These parents discover that in helping their child navigate ADHD, they themselves develop greater patience, flexibility, and compassion. Many report that parenting a child with ADHD has made them better people—more accepting of differences and more appreciative of neurodiversity.
Conclusion: Finding Meaning Through Challenge
The journey of parenting a child with ADHD involves both significant challenges and profound opportunities for growth. By acknowledging your grief while remaining open to your child’s unique gifts, you create space for both healing and hope.
ADHD isn’t your fault, and neither is the exhaustion.
Dr. Martin Keller
When parents tell me they feel like they’re “dying” from the stress of parenting their ADHD child, I remind them that this difficult phase will pass. With appropriate support, education, and self-compassion, families not only survive but often thrive through the ADHD journey.
If you’re currently struggling, remember that seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness but a demonstration of your commitment to being the parent your child needs. The journey may not be what you expected, but it can still be beautiful, meaningful, and filled with moments of unexpected joy.
This is hard—but you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. There is strength in your love, even when it feels like you’re running on empty.
Dr. Martin E. Keller is a Diplomate in Clinical Psychology and a Fellow of the American Academy of Clinical Psychology. He practices in Phoenix and Scottsdale, Arizona, where he specializes in counseling and psychotherapy for children, adolescents, adults, and families. He has a particular interest in the emotional aspects of ADHD and helping parents navigate the challenges of raising children with neurological differences.
This is an expanded version of his original article entitled “PARENTING MY ADHD KID “IS KILLING ME” that was originally published in 2005
For more information or to schedule an appointment, click the button below and fill out Dr. Keller’s Contact form
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